I don’t even really want to talk about this, but I also can’t stop talking about it, so I’m just going to come out and say it.

Joey killed a cockroach in our apartment last night.

I just…I just can’t, you guys. You remember this? That was less than two months ago. I have just BARELY recovered. I JUST CAN’T.

Here’s how it went down:

I was sleeping soundly when I was suddenly ripped from my sweet dreams by the sound of Joey yelling and (at least what sounded like) killing someone. Violence. I was awoken by violence.

In half a second, I realized that he was stomping on the ground a mere two feet from where I had been sleeping. And I knew. I knew, you guys.

“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?” I shrieked, still half asleep. He whipped around to look at me, a wild look in his eye. (I assume. I didn’t have my contacts in. But he was definitely frazzled.)

“I don’t want to tell you,” was his reply. AND I KNEW.

“What, wh- HOW?” I stammered. I may also have started repeating “no no no NONONONONO.”

He explained that he’d spotted it crawling on a rolled up rug we have in the corner. When he shined the light from his phone on it, it took off. “It was fast.”

At this point, I start just shaking uncontrollably. And maybe hyperventilating. I just kept asking, “Is it dead?!?”

Joey assured me it was. “ARE YOU SURE?!?!!!!”

He informed me that its “carcass” was on the ground “right there.” But I couldn’t see it because I didn’t have my contacts in. Probably for the best.

I asked him why the traps we had bought and set out in every corner of the apartment hadn’t caught it. Joey got shifty and replied at the traps he bought “weren’t made for something this…size.”

At that point, I promptly lost my mind.

I mean. I tried to fall back asleep. But I would literally jerk awake if ANYTHING touched me (blankets, Joey, my own hair, ANYTHING). Sometimes nothing would touch me, I would just wake suddenly and smack Joey and say something like, “TRAPS. YOU NEED TO BUY TRAPS TOMORROW. LIKE TWENTY TRAPS.”

He would mumble okay and then go back to sleep. I would doze until my next conniption. (“DID YOU FLUSH IT?!? YOU HAVE TO FLUSH THEM.”)

I mean, they can survive atomic bombs, you guys. They survived the dinosaurs. WHY DOES MY HUSBAND THING HE’S MORE CAPABLE OF SLAUGHTER THAN WHATEVER KILLED THE DINOSAURS?

Obviously, I’m not okay.

I started telling my boss about this, and she replied with her own cockroach nightmares and then finished with, “You know they fly, right?”

Me: “NOT ALL OF THEM. Only some of them fly.”

Her: *leaning in* “Most of them fly.”

My eyes actually welled with tears when she said it. I can’t live in a world where most cockroaches fly.

I’m thinking my options are to buy a cat (according to my boss) or burn the apartment down. Those are the ONLY options.

Someone…help?

7 Responses to The ACTUAL worst thing in the world.

  • Rachel says:

    I’ve had that problem before, can get these smoke bomb things in a can at the store. Raid or someone makes them. You just set it off and leave your apartment for a few hours, come home to a roach/spider free place! Just make sure you change your sheets after!

  • “Sometimes nothing would touch me, I would just wake suddenly and smack Joey and say something like, ‘TRAPS. YOU NEED TO BUY TRAPS TOMORROW. LIKE TWENTY TRAPS.’”

    I lost it at that point, hahaha. I know I shouldn’t laugh because you are TRAUMATIZED, but that was beautifully written and also hilarious. :P

    I would actually recommend a cat. That’s the one great thing about living in a room where we have two cats squished in with us: Any bugs get it, they’re caught, FAST. Even our huge, fat cat, Leif, suddenly becomes a cheetah when a bug’s in the room. They even kill the ants!

    And at the very least, even if they can’t catch it, they will stalk it and stare at it until it is dead. If the cat’s staring at the wall or ceiling, I immediately look where they’re looking. Sometimes it’s nothing, but most of the time it’s a small bug that’s gotten in. If the cats can’t get to it, Jake or I certianly can! Which is one of the many, many reasons that cats are awesome.

    So says the crazy cat lady. <3
    xo Madie
    Madie Fiedler recently posted..Life Lately {vol 5}My Profile

  • Megan Gielow says:

    Cockroaches (excuse me….”palmetto bugs,” which really only means they aren’t the ones that infest your apartment….just come in and die) are native to the south, and MASSIVELY big. The exterminators say it’s normal for us to see 2-3 a month….we usually see 4-9. It’s disgusting and absolutely terrifying. It’s been one major reason why we want to head back north. I feel your pain girl! If it won’t go away, hire an exterminator. They aren’t that expensive, and it’s worth sleeping at night ;) Good luck!

  • Ashli says:

    Hilarious… In a not so funny way. I probably would irrationally conclude that burning was the only option. I had no idea cats were the answer.

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